How to Write Your Own Wedding Vows (Even If You've No Idea Where to Start)
Want to write your own wedding vows but stuck on a blank page? Here's my friendly guide to finding words that sound like you, and saying them with confidence.
WEDDINGS
So you've decided to write your own vows. Brilliant! Then you sat down with a cuppa, opened a blank page and thought... where on earth do I start? You're in very good company. "I want to write my own vows, but I have no idea where to start" is one of the things I hear most from couples, usually followed closely by "and I'm going to be a blubbering mess when I say them."
Here's what I want you to know before you write a single word. You don't need to be a writer, you don't need to be poetic, you just need to sound like you. Helping couples find their words is one of my favourite parts of what I do, so I'm sharing how I'd get started, what I'd gently steer you away from, and the bit nobody tells you about: how to actually say them out loud.
Where to start when writing your own wedding vows
Forget the vows for a minute and think about your partner. Grab a notebook (or the notes app on your phone) and jot down whatever comes to mind. No editing, no judging, just get it out of your head:
What do you love most about them? Not just the big things, the little everyday ones too.
When did you know they were your person?
What have you come through together, and what did it show you about them?
What makes you laugh about them, even when you're cross with them?
What do you want to promise them, and actually keep?
Don't worry if it's a jumble of half-sentences and in-jokes. Somewhere in that list is the heart of your vows, I promise.
Be specific, it's what makes vows land.
If I could only give you one tip, it would be this. Specific beats general, every single time. "I love how kind you are" is lovely, but anyone could say it to anyone. "I love that you let the dog have the warm side of the sofa, even when it's definitely your turn" could only be about one person, and every guest in the room will know exactly who you mean. When I write a ceremony, every line has to pass one test: could this only belong to this couple? It works brilliantly for vows too. If a line could be dropped into anybody's vows unchanged, swap it for something only you could say.
Write them the way you talk
Your vows can be romantic and funny, or short and simple. All of those are right, as long as they're right for you. The best vows are the ones that sound like the person saying them. If you'd never say "you are the eternal flame of my soul" over a Friday night takeaway, please don't feel you have to write your vows like that. Write them how you would normally speak when it’s just the two of you curled up on the sofa in your scruffs.
Remember, the parts you're tempted to tone down or leave out are usually the parts worth keeping in. The silly nickname, the running joke about your terrible parking, the slightly soppy thing you only ever say to each other at home. That's you, don't edit yourselves out of your own vows. If humour is a big part of your relationship, use it. A laugh followed straight away by a heartfelt promise is one of my favourite things to witness at a ceremony. Just check the jokes are ones your partner will love hearing in front of their Mum and Dad! (If you're wondering how far you can bend the "rules" of a ceremony generally, my blog "The Secret to a Wedding Ceremony Everyone Remembers" is all about that.)
A simple shape to hang your vows on
If you like a bit of structure, this simple three-part shape works for almost everyone:
I love you because... This is where your specific, only-about-them details go. Two or three is plenty.
I promise... Mix your big promises with a few small ones. "I promise to hold your hand through the hard days" carries real weight. "I also promise to stop leaving teabags on the draining board" makes everyone smile, and somehow makes the big promise feel even more believable.
Our future... What kind of marriage do you want to build together? The adventures, the muddy dog walks, the cosy nights in, the family you're growing. Finish looking forward.
Keep it about your marriage, not the wedding
Your vows are about everything that comes after the ceremony. It's tempting to mention how beautiful everyone looks or how lovely the venue is, but save that for the speeches. Your vows belong to your life together, and that's what will still mean something when you read them back on your tenth anniversary.
Write them together, or keep them a surprise?
Both work, and there's no wrong answer. Some couples love sitting down together and shaping their promises side by side. Others want to hear each other's words for the first time at the ceremony. If you're keeping them a surprise, there's a lovely middle ground: agree on a rough tone and length together, then write your own words separately. That way one of you isn't saying three sentences while the other is turning to page four!
Give yourselves time
Please don't leave your vows until the night before. Give yourselves a few weeks. Write a first draft, leave it alone for a few days, then come back to it with fresh eyes. You'll be amazed what jumps out at you the second time round. And if you're stuck, go back to your list of words and memories, the answer is usually already in there.
Practise saying them out loud
This is the bit most vow guides skip, and it's the bit that matters most on the day. Words on a page and words said out loud are two very different things. I've spent over 30 years standing up in front of audiences so I know how different words feel and sound once they leave your mouth. Read your vows out loud, lots of times. To the mirror, to the dog, in the car on the way to work. You'll quickly hear which lines flow and which ones trip you up.
A few things that really help:
Slow down. Nerves make everyone speed up, and your guests want to hear every word.
Breathe at the full stops. They're your built-in pauses.
If a sentence keeps catching, it's usually too long. Split it in two.
Print your vows clearly in a good-sized font, so you're not squinting at tiny writing on the day.
But what if I cry halfway through?
If you cry, that's wonderful. Happy tears aren't a problem to manage, they're the point. Everyone in that room is there because they love you, and nobody is marking you on your delivery. Take a breath, pause, have a little laugh at yourself if you need to. I'll be right beside you, keeping everything flowing gently, and nobody will mind waiting a moment while you find your voice again.
If the thought of being the centre of attention fills you with dread, tell me. Not everyone wants to stand and read out loud to a room, and that's completely OK. We can find another way for your words to be heard, without you feeling like you're on a stage.
Want a hand finding your words?
If you'd love some help, this is exactly what my Wildflower Words vow-writing coaching is for. It comes with my Wildflower Words Vow Writing Workbook, a seven-step guide you can work through in your own time. In our first session, we write your vows and promises together, then you take them away to sit with them for a little while. In the second, we focus on how you'll say them, with vocal coaching to help you speak with confidence and keep the nerves in check.
Wildflower Words is included in my Full Bloom Ceremony, and you can also book it on its own.
Your vows don't need to be polished. They need to be true and they need to sound like you. Write the real stuff, keep the silly bits, and say every word knowing it's yours. If you'd like a chat about your vows or your ceremony, I'd love to hear from you. No obligation, no hard sell, just a friendly conversation about the two of you.
Get in Touch
If this sounds like the sort of ceremony you want for your celebration then I'd love to have a chat. You can book a no-obligation call with me here.
Check out my other blog posts here.
